The idea of this book is simple. To connect with people (or feel connected), there are 3 keywords — Curiosity, Empathy and Validation. Getting curious means seeking your partners’ understanding and perspective, getting to know what they are going through and how this happens. Empathy is feeling what they feel by gaining their perspective, which is established based on curiosity. Validation is to let them know that it is okay to feel what they feel because they’re human. And show appreciation for them showing their vulnerability because it is not easy and takes courage and trust.
Most of the time, when someone talks to us about a problem or complaint, they are seeking advice but seeking a listener and a place where they can release their emotion. This applies to positive emotion too. So the author gives out 4 steps to validation.
- Listen empathically and give constant micro-validation
- Validate the emotion by identifying a specific emotion and justifying it
- Give suggestions (if permitted)
- Revalidate the emotion
It is good that before giving a suggestion, we should ask if we can give it. If you seek permission and show your respect, your partner will be much more open to your suggestions. A caveat is the word but.
Finally, validation doesn’t mean agreement. We can validate their emotion because emotion is a reaction to the situation and is built upon their past experience, culture, personalities, etc. And there is no right and wrong for emotion. Validation is about showing your understanding of their situation, ways of handling the situation is another thing that can be taught about later.
However we can never fully understand a person's perspective, because each of us is unique, validation can still work by admitting that you don’t understand it fully but still show your support.
To summarise, to connect is to understand intellectually and emotionally what the other person is going through. Especially when you’re seeking a deeper relationship and building a long-term relationship with the other person. It is about getting curious about them, trying to feel what they feel and showing your support and understanding by accepting their emotion.
The Raw Notes
Validation is critical for building a healthy satisfying relationship
- Business Insider articles mentioned a study about how positive reactions toward biding/ request predict the breakup rates of relationships
- ~ the number of requests also matters right? Expressing your opinions and seeking validation are the first steps in feeling connected so that the other parties can respond. Maybe this is what I lack
Validation is the act of recognising and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotion
More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle the situation — they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle.
Get curious about the situation
why do you feel like that, so you can get into their perspective and show that you really care. And be empathetic
Passive constructive response and active destructive response are equally destructive
e.g. of passive constructive: This is nice. Guess what happened to me today?
show a lack of interest
Validation =\= Agree. You can validate without agreeing
Most people don’t question whether we understand their words. They want to know that we’re connecting with what they are sharing
Empathy = we seek to understand where they are coming from and try to imagine what they are going through
A good greeting and really getting to know other
“How are you?”
“Good”
“Just good?”
4 Steps of Validation
- Listen empathically
Invite them to open. Observe how they react. Match your partners’ energy and micro validation
- Validate the emotion
a. Identifying specific emotion
b. offering justification of that feeling
e.g. I get you’re worried → I get you’re worried. It will be tough not to be given that situation
Be aware that don’t use absolute word like ‘exactly’
one formula to use: validate → shared/ related experience → shift the focus back to them
But, if you can’t relate, let them know
- Advice or encouragement (if appropriate)
ask for permission first
watch out for but
- Validation again
This vulnerability is crucial for developing strong healthy relationship coz it allows us to see past the facades and connect with people on a more authentic and personal level
It shows the appreciation and gratitude for opening up
It is not easy to talk about healthy things. I admire your courage in bringing up and appreciate that you share it with me.